“Fatigue makes cowards of us all”

I can’t recall whether I first heard that expression from an old coach or during my times at West Point, but it came back to me with renewed understanding this week. The combination of a long push at work and an observation of a co-worker and friend upon his return from a holiday really drove this message home.

We have had multiple home sporting events every day (6 days a week) for the last week. The weather has been sporadic so not only have the days been long, but at times wet, cold or both. I have been doing my best to establish a self care routine to stay healthy and positive but by this weekend, I feel as if the toll of my physical fatigue is beginning to affect my mood. The bright side is that I have intentionally become more aware of the impact of physical sensations on my emotional state. It has allowed me to temper my own response and provided me with valuable self awareness.

My buddy, who consistently helps with the heavy lifting at work, had a chance to get away for a week – his family was in Florida and that sounded a lot better than the miserable Vermont spring. I observed that when he got back, his attitude and demeanor was MARKEDLY changed! I’m not sure I have ever paid attention to a vacation-return before (except perhaps in times of envy) but this time it had a significant and different impact on me. I was able to both appreciate the physical regeneration he displayed and his attitude of joy. It provided me with a spill-over, “appreciative joy” (muditta). I needed that.

So, since we only have a few more weeks of the grind, it provided me with motivation and anticipatory excitement for my own eventual and inevitable break at the end of the year.

I truthfully haven’t had the time or energy to crack a book in the last week. I wake up, get some morning inspiration and caffeine, stretch and/or exercise a bit to try and shed the 20+ I packed on during the winter drag and then – out the door. Evenings are pretty standard – walk in the door around 8, take care of my lonely dogs, try and eat something and collapse.

But I have listened to a couple of really good podcasts on my drive and was inspired by a news article to watch the Brittney Griner interview with Robin Roberts. Wow! The whole Griner incident happened while I was away. In fact, Griner’s rise to stardom was only a distant blip in my awareness – basketball was not something I followed closely while in Singapore. Truthfully, I think my only real response to it at the time was a dualistic one: I’m not surprised that Russia made it political tool but at the same time how could she have been so “stupid” to have carried pot into the totalitarian nation?

After watching the interview, my first thought was affirmed. Russia is a bad, backwards nation and Putin is a despot. I enjoyed my visit to Moscow but am very thankful I don’t have to live them under Putin’s rule. My impression of Griner though has changed dramatically! What an impressive person. I found her to be authentic, warm and genuinely thoughtful about the experience. I can’t wait to read the book.

I’m looking forward to the summer to catch up on sleep, reading and finally have the time to eat a real meal. When I was coaching, the hours and seasons were long but there was downtime. In this role, that doesn’t exist. I’m committed to not let it get the best of me. I’m tired, but I won’t let it turn me into a “coward”. My response to fatigue is my choice.

The spring is starting to be beautiful and the remaining season is short. I’m going to run this last lap with a smile on my face.

Until next time.

School Holidays, Spring in Vermont & Coach Williams

I’m taking a day off. It’s really the first day since school started that I have decided to not go to work for a reason other than illness (and I battled a couple of real doozies during the winter including pneumonia). It’s a great time to do so – this week was a school holiday and we have no home sporting events today (Friday) or tomorrow. It’s a “first” this year and will be last until the school year ends.

I can’t really say that I would call this first April in Vermont a “spring”. On Wednesday, we had snow flurries during a girls lacrosse game; on the flip side yesterday was in the 50s for our baseball and softball games. If any of you call the weather where you live “inconsistent”, please come to Vermont for the real example of extreme weather changes. Truthfully, I’m well past “over it” when it comes to wearing heavy clothes!

I’m going to use the day to do what most folks get to do weekly (or even more frequently): cook a meal, clean the house and take recycling to the dump. I haven’t had time to do even the basics for months. I’m looking forward to THREE days of relative rest.

About 10 days ago, I was able to reconnect with my college coach, Coach Williams. Aside from my father, there has been no man that has taught me and molded me into the person I am. The voices of my dad and Coach have been my signposts and lighthouses. I lost contact with him during Covid and have literally tried for several years to track him down. When I called him, I literally wept with joy after hearing his voice. For a few days after, I felt remorse after having not been in closer contact and spent some time harboring regret and sadness (and a good dose of self flagellation over lost time with him).

One morning this week while reading Old Path, White Clouds by Thich Nhat Hahn, this passage jumped off the page and struck me in the heart:

“Lord, I do suffer from worries and regrets.”
“I hope your regrets are not about violating your precepts.”
“No, Lord, I have observed my precepts fully and feel no shame.”
“What then do you worry about and regret?”
“I regret that, due to my illness, it has been a long time since I have been able to visit you.”
The Buddha gently scolded, “Vakkali, do not worry about such things. You have lived a blameless life. That is what keeps teacher and student close. Do you think you need to see my face in order to see the Buddha? This body is not important. Only the teaching is important. If you can see the teaching, you can see the Buddha. If you can see this body but not the teaching, it is of no value at all.”

Excerpt From
Old Path White Clouds: Walking in the Footsteps of the Buddha
Thich Nhat Hanh
This material may be protected by copyright.

Coach Williams was my greatest teacher ever. Every word I speak, reflects both him and my parents. If you know me, I suspect you “know” Coach Williams. Reading this lifted a weight from me – the burden of regret and guilt for having lost some time of regular communication. It has allowed to not be focussed on the “what ifs” or “should haves” with regards to my relationship with my coach/mentor.

So as I begin my long weekend of relative rest, I have a to-do list of things to accomplish. I am happy to say that on that list is a call to Coach. I hope to make that a regular and on-going practice. I will enjoy every chat with him, I am certain. But more importantly, I feel his impact on me every time I take a breath.

Until next time.

Coming Up for Air – A Renewed Effort at Finding Space to Reflect

I can’t sugarcoat it – it’s been a rugged last few months. The winter season completely and totally kicked my butt! I felt overworked, overwhelmed, under rested and under appreciated. It was like a 100 Day Survival Test. By the end of it (in mid March) I was spent – in every sense of the word. Physically I am a mess; I have gained almost 20 pounds since last summer, my diet is embarrassing and haven’t exercised at all. In addition, I haven’t picked up a book in ages and my brain feels like it has turned to mud.

I went out to dinner twice in the last two weeks – once with co-workers and another time with an old college teammate. I realized they were the first meals I have had with adults since August. My social skills are rusty! I have not made any real friends outside work and have had LITERALLY no social life at all. “All work and no play, make Jack a dull boy” 😀

I’ve made a concerted effort to try and bounce back. Over the last month, I have caught up on some sleep, cracked open a new book and actually planned a few real meals and cooked.

Thought I would make an effort to get back in the routine of sharing some reflections in this forum as well so here goes. I liked the format I experimented with last so am going to use the same prompts.

What I am reading: I finally finished one of the books I started last fall (in typically read 2-3 at a time) so started one I bought over a year ago: Lloyd Percival, Coach & Visionary. I listened to a podcast about Percival and was keen to learn more about the Canadian who was an innovator in several sports, most noticeably hockey. I’m just getting into it but it seems like a great read about a sport leader who was not afraid to challenge conventional wisdom.

Podcast I have listened to: Podcasts were a constant even through the winter since I have a 25 minute drive each way to work. Today I finished listening to Arthur Brooks on the “Ten Percent Happier” podcast (one of my favorites) and signed up for his class on EdX as a result. Very interesting insight into the science of happiness.

Personal growth challenge of the week: I have set a soft goal of trying to start some form of resistance work during the upcoming week. I even bought a kettlebell. I have noticed a marked increase in nagging aches and pains and, in particular, a reduction in flexibility and general strength.

Work issue I am contemplating: This one is easy for me. I have felt as if I have been so busy, I haven’t accomplished anything – including some really critical, basic things I identified as being absent when I landed in my new role. The most glaring is around coach onboarding and orientation. We have several new coaches this spring and amazingly, the school has never had a “coaches’ handbook” or manual to aid new coaches. When I arrived (before school started) I crafted a Parents Handbook; my next project will be putting pen to paper on Coaches and Student-Athletes Handbooks as well.

Thing I am most grateful for: SPRING! I have to admit, I have been miserable during my first winter back. I think the only reason people must enjoy winter is if they have favorite winter activities. My first winter season was so insane, I had no time to enjoy ANYTHING let alone outdoor or new activities. The cold and snow were nothing but a giant pain to me. I can’t wait to plant some flowers and finally feel like I am thawing out!

I am going to do my best to try and stay somewhat consistent in blogging. Frankly, I need to get better at this practice if for no other reason than to force me to sit down and reflect on few things thanks to the prompts I have chosen. Here’s hoping! 🤞🏻

The Winter Season Kicks Off!

We had the first scrimmages of the winter season yesterday and the race against the weather to get all our games in has begun! We are expecting up to 7” tonight and already had our first snow day (that fell on the very first day of practices and tryouts!). What a great yesterday to watch our kids back in action. No one trains just to train – it’s way more fun to go head to head!

What I am reading: a couple of months ago I started Focus: Elevating the Essentials to Radically Improve Student Learning. Sadly I put it down for a while but started it back up. When John Hattie says it’s a great book on pedagogy I listen and it hasn’t disappointed!

Podcast I have listened to: Yesterday I finished Rich Roll’s interview with Chris Herron about his struggles with addiction. Wow! Inspired me to finish the day watching the “30 for 30” special on him. What a story!

Personal growth challenge for the week: I have been my fittest, lightest and had the most energy during the last decade when I have engaged in two wellness routines – intermittent fasting (16-18 hours) and a midday walk. I have felt best when combining the two! My weight has skyrocketed and need to get back in that routine.

Work issue I am contemplating: as the season kicks off, I need to monitor my energy and diet. I let myself get worn down in the fall but think most of that was being underprepared for the change in weather and outdoor events. I have been far more diligent in attire prep and am closely monitoring my fatigue using both my Fitbit and Oura.

Thing I am most grateful for: that’s in easy one! Seeing almost 500 folks turn out for basketball scrimmages yesterday reminded me how lucky I am to be at a fantastic school!

I’m enjoying this weekend check in – it has kept me honest in both being reflection and in a few key habits (reading being the biggest one).

Trying to stick the landing while enjoying the flight.

Second week of trying to get back in the swing of blogging. I liked the prompts I used last week so will keep using them until I get bored 😝

What I am reading: this weekend I started a book recommended by my friend and fellow “coaching nerd” Patrick Rainville – How Basketball Can Save the World by David Hollander. I don’t even know how to express how shocked and excited I was when I started to read this! Brilliant approach to the value of the game of hoops that I would like to gift to just about all my sport administrator friends. I won’t spoil it – buy the book if you love trying to connect sport with the rest of the world!

Podcast I have listened to: I started The Banksy Story on BBC and as soon as I pulled over, I ordered a coffee table book on his art. Fascinating investigative work by a self professed non art critic.

Personal growth challenge: I heard Brene Brown say that she doesn’t “leap for the perfect landing, I leap for the feeling in the air”. I spent so much of my life living for the “flight”, I think in recent years I have taken the cautious route of greater concern for the landing. I’m contemplating how I can enjoy the ride a bit more while still being cognizant of my potential to enjoy the ride way too much without concern for the potential hard landings.

Professional challenge I am contemplating – as I look at our upcoming winter season and all the home event management, I am trying to craft a balance to pay closer attention to self-care than I did during the fall. I’ve gained some weight and haven’t been consistent in my reading or meditation. I think the key is intentionality of scheduling. I broke out my day planner this afternoon.

What I am most grateful for right now is the holiday time with my younger kids! I just dropped them back with their mom after four wonderful days. We laughed, binge watched movies and were goofy for almost 96 hours.

I am going to try and build this reflective blogging routine into my Sundays so hopefully will have an update next weekend. Until then…

Trying to Get the Mojo Back

My relocation from Singapore to the Northeast Kingdom of Vermont has been an incredible journey. The last six months have reinvigorated me and added a “pep to my step”. With that said, it’s been a whirlwind and I have, at times, lost track of certain basic habits and practices that I want to rekindle in order the capture my growth and “notes from the road”. I realized that I have not put figurative pen to paper semi-publicly in some time. This medium has always provided me a platform to capture thoughts and ideas in a more intentional way than my private journaling practice so I am going to try and jump start the blog again!

I am going to create a somewhat different template or format for a while as well. I have created a few ‘prompts’ to keep myself honest and focussed. So here goes:

What I am reading: I am finally getting around to finishing The Core: Better Life, Better Performance by Oskari Saari, which describes the philosophy and system of Dr Aki Hintsa, who revolutionized the performance approach to F1. It’s a fascinating read that applies a medical perspective and systems approach to performance improvement. I started it months ago but read the lions’ share this weekend. Brilliant man with ideas that can be applied to all areas of performance.

Podcast I have listened to: Over the weekend I become a Patreon sponsor of Independent Americans, the great podcast by fellow Amherst grad Paul Rieckhoff. I met Paul in passing in 2008 when I was with US Paralympics and he was kickstarting Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America. I find his insights on global politics to be insightful, entertaining, direct and closely aligned to my own. I hope to get a chance to meet him again someday. I think he would be blast to chat with!

My personal growth challenge: Since I left Singapore, my biggest challenges have been exercise and social connection (work has been eating all of my time). I had a great chat over the weekend with my buddy Richard Gordon, with whom I had almost daily walks that both solved the worlds problems and helped me get in my 10,000 steps. I need to start that routine again – I hope to get a bit more daily movement and it would be great to identify an occasional partner in the effort!

Professional Challenge I am contemplating: As I wrapped up my first sports season at the Academy, I have enjoyed having post-season meetings with coaches and have found student input invaluable in helping me to guide coaches on how they can learn from their recently completed season. I would love to identify a way to get more frequent periodic “pulse checks” on the quality of student-athlete experience in real-time, in-season. I’m am pondering that one and welcome any suggestions.

Thing I am most grateful for at this moment: This is an easy – my new role in a fantastic new setting! I love the place, the people and mission. I am even handling the cold (which ultimately may prove to be my biggest adjustment). At a macro level, this may be my “gratitude theme” for some time – I hope it never wears off. So, if a dig down to what it is right now, today, that is special about the present moment and gives me gratitude I would say that it is the excitement I feel for my first Thanksgiving in a decade! I pick up my fresh farm raised organic turkey tomorrow. Can’t wait to put that bad boy in the smoker!

I’m hoping this becomes a more regular habit! Until next time…

A Book in the Works?

I had a great farewell coffee with one of the most inspiring leaders I have had the privilege of working with – Lim Teck Yin, recently departed CEO of Sport Singapore. In my almost nine years in Singapore, I haven’t met a visionary leader in sport like him. The meeting provided me a chance to thank him for the opportunity to contribute to Sport SG and, as always happens in any conversation with him, to wax philosophical on sport and life.

He asked about what I envisioned my new role in the U.S. to be. We discussed the role of the athletic director and I outlined my vision for operational and administrative excellence while developing a strong department culture as a learning organisation. My background and interest in coach development and social learning is something that I hope to use to encourage, nurture and support professional growth in our coaches and create the type of department that leverages the collective experience and knowledge to grow all sports.

Teck Yin asked how I plan to balance the necessity of operations (a potential energy drain) with the time needed to develop a team culture. What was my plan? How will I stay motivated to focus on the operational elements (admittedly the least glamorous) and still have time and energy to commit to shaping the culture? I shared my intrinsic motivation to support the coaches administratively because of my own experience (and frustration) with that part of the job taking away from my on-field focus. I know that playing that operational role is critical to team success and by me “giving that back” to the coaches, I can “fill my own cup” by supporting them. But he asked a follow up that really got me thinking – “what can you do to hold yourself accountable to that higher level goal?”

In the course of conversation, Teck Yin suggested that a deliberate attempt to plan and document those efforts would keep me focussed, provide constant reminders and continuously reinforce my effort. This came immediately on the heels of a weekend spent evaluating my personal values and crafting a personal leadership charter for my new role. Teck Yin knows me too well and pointed out that I enjoy “connecting the dots”, articulating a plan and designing feedback loops to keep myself focussed. His suggestion was to write the plan for a book and to draft the first few chapters before I get to the US and use that as my compass. I could then document the process as a way to continue to navigate the journey.

I’ve decided to do it! Since I turned 60, I have become far more introspective and have begun to see the interconnectedness of many elements of my life, personal values, experiences and knowledge of the world of sport and beyond. While I doubt that whatever I put together will ever be published, I do see the value of committing to planning and capturing the journey of the next phase of my life. Not sure exactly what form it will take or what it will be called, but I am jumping in!

What’s the value of reflection if you don’t listen to yourself?

I’ve just had an epiphanous experience about personal reflection. For the last 3-4 years, I have been moderately consistent in using the journaling app DayOne to record daily reflections and thoughts. Very, very occasionally I have glanced at the “on this date” feature but primarily to see if I had been consistent in the past.

I happened to notice the content of a entry I made two days ago today so I decided to read it fully. Wow! I was so moved by the prophetic nature of that entry, I actually spent about a hour going back and reading the last 2-3 years. Without details, many of my recent thoughts, challenges and life goals all have been “a long time coming”! Almost without exception, my desires for professional and personal growth and happiness have been there, on paper, for a long time! Specifically, there were realisations about definitive actions I needed to take to improve my professional performance, my personal life and health AND after writing them, they sat unacted upon.

How often have I been victim of that in the past? How many opportunities have I had to make a change in my work habits, my coaching practice or my health and wellness that I RECOGNISED but failed to put together an action plan to implement?

I think my lesson is that reflection without the next urgent and important step of identifying an immediate action plan is a serious missed opportunity. That will become the new, critical step in my daily formal reflective process: “So what & what now”.

A few more steps on my path.

King Albert Truss Bridge

I had some meetings at work and decided to mix it up on my way home. I opted to jump off the MRT a few stops early and climbed up the hill to the Rail Corridor near King Albert Park. I’d never walked “one way” and decided to walk the rest of the way home (only about 4 km).

I also decided to ditch the headphones and my podcast (I had been listening to Trevor Regan’s new audiobook on learning) and take a mindful/forest bathing walk. I spent the time contemplating three questions that were raised in a great Dharma/TED talk I listened to last week:

Sister True Dedication: 3 questions to build resilience — and change the world

1. Who am I?

2. Where am I?

3. What do I want?

Also focussed carefully on every footfall to connect with the ground on each step and noticed the sounds and sights of the greenery around me. It was an incredible way to enjoy a beautiful walk home and balanced out my “learning lab” of the MRT component of the commute.

Think I have found a new weekly trek to break up the commute! To make it even more meaningful, as I walked in my door (almost literally) my Fitbit jolted me into the moment with a notice that I hit my daily step goal. AND, for the first time I think, I can literally tell my kids how in in the old days I had to ‘walk miles home from work’ 😂

The Hillview end

My ‘SHN’ Experience

For those unfamiliar with the term ‘SHN’ it is a Singapore government acronym for “stay at home notice” – basically a quarantine for returning overseas travellers or those who have had tangential exposure to Covid and is designed to limit exposure. When I returned from the Paralympics, I was required to serve a 14 day SHN in isolation at a dedicated facility and was given periodic tests and observation. My “notice” ends tomorrow. During this time, you have NO direct human contact – meals are delivered through a door, towels etc are “swapped out” by leaving them on a stand outside your door and you are EXPRESSLY forbidden from stepping outside your room for any reason. I have not seen a person for 13 days!

Although it sounds austere, the measures have been very effective at keeping imported cases low and identifying positives before they entire the country. I knew in advance of my trip that is was a requirement and actually planned ahead. I spoke to people that had done it, joined Facebook groups of folks who have shared experiences and packed a crate of the essentials and had it labeled and ready for the family to deliver to me when I arrived back. I should preface this by saying that I won the “quarantine lottery” – you are assigned a designated hotel randomly upon arrival and there have been some horror stories. I lucked out and got the Conrad Centennial. A five-star hotel with great views and very comfortable rooms. Even better, from my 15th floor room I can look out and see my kids school so we have a daily ritual of me standing at the window and doing a dance with them on the street below. I haven’t had a breath of fresh air in 13 days (none of the windows open) but I have a breath taking view and the hotel service is AMAZING. If I need anything, it’s at my door quickly. They have pivoted a 500 room luxury hotel into a dedicated facility – everyone in PPE, testing facilities etc. Absolutely amazing!

I just had my “last-day” PCR test to clear me to leave and had my first breath of fresh air in two weeks and actually saw other humans. I found out that the door locks are set for single use key entry – if you leave, you don’t get back in. The integrity of the system is taken very seriously. From a macro-perspective, I have been especially impressed with the efficiency and detail of the process – from great customer care to daily calls to check on health and temperature checks (and to remind us of the self tests every three days). While it’s not “fun” to be isolated, the government and the hotel have certainly gone out of their way to minimise the pain. I will leave this experience understanding the importance of the caution and, because it was made tolerable, appreciative of the measures to protect the population.

But the real experience was in the personal lessons I learned and I wanted to document them here. Last night, my friend Jiaren described my experience as I recounted it like “a mountain retreat but in a five star hotel with internet access”. If he threw in that I had a bar and room service (the food was great), I think he would have described it perfectly! I spent 14 days, post Paralympics trying to make the best use that I could of the time and to leverage the isolation. Here are a few of the things I learned along the journey.

The value I place on structure (and my need for flexibility): every day I would create to-do lists on the small pads they provided. I went through about 5 of them. I would list just about everything I wanted to get done – from specific work projects, to weight training (I brought dumbbells) and riding the stationary bike to reading and meditating. That really helped me establish a routine and distracted me from the isolation. I was hyper-productive! But I also built into it the flexibility I needed. I did the schedules out about 3 – 4 days around “big rocks” (scheduled work meetings, projects that required a focussed amount of attention etc) then listed the “small rocks and sand”. If I missed one of them, it got shifted to the next day or forgiven. I know that’s not an Earth shattering tool but it is something that I have fallen away from. It allowed me to help prioritise things when I had too much time (rather than my usual challenge of too little)

I spent vast amounts of time in formal reflection. I journaled, meditated daily and did a deep dive into what parts of my professional life (and skill set) I value and how best to leverage on them. It also helped me to identify areas that I need to focus on: I did extensive research on data analytics and current industry tools so that I can more meaningfully engage in detailed conversations about data for example. I was able to unpack what it was about the Paralympic Games experience that gave me a level of professional excitement I had not felt in years. Hitting the pause button on the outside world gave me a chance to look inward. When the menu got boring after a week, a commitment to mindful eating gave me perspective and the food tasted great again. I appreciated the small things – calls from friends, a daily “dance” through the window with my kids, great customer service from the staff here at the Conrad.

The obvious and subtle value of self care: when I was working in Tokyo, my diet was absolute crap. I don’t think I had a vegetable in two weeks. So I made the commitment to choose the vegetarian menu during SHN. I cheated – I ordered a burger once and had satay delivered but in general I was conscious of what I ate. That, along with a mindful approach to enjoying each and every bite was wonderful. I suspect I gained some weight since I can’t walk more than 15 steps at a time but I LOVED breaking a sweat daily on the stationary bike I bought and had delivered. I hate bikes! I can’t imagine that anyone enjoys riding them frankly but I loved the feeling to pouring sweat while suffering through the torture of my large rump on an uncomfortable bike seat! I read – finished three books and started three more! My meditation practice got a much needed kick start again as well. And I have embraced a new self care ritual that I hope I can continue – I brought a tennis ball and roll my feet and give myself frequent DEEP foot massages! Man it feels good.

So as my 14 days winds down – I’m grateful! I wouldn’t volunteer to spend another 14 days right now but I could handle it again if I had to. Although I hope we eventually get back to a bit more travel freedom, I’m ok with the “inconvenience” in order to protect our kids and the vulnerable. Covid has been a terrible, terrible thing. This SHN has actually been a pretty darn good one for me.